DUNGEON MASTER'S NOTES
 Lust and Romance in D&D
Dungeon Master's Notes Index
Some of the greatest stories of all time have involved sex, lust, and the consequences of passion. Despite any rift between the sexes, it is impossible to deny that men and women move each other. People attract one another regardless of age, gender, race or social conventions. And how many different things can people do with attraction? The romance that has dominated so many of our fairy tales can come to life in a roleplaying game, and it can expand roleplaying options exponentially. Characters in D&D can fall in love (player characters with each other as well as with NPCs), get married, have trysts and children. One of the ways that a DM defines their game is by deciding how much love and sex they'll allow.
Dungeons and Dragons is based in fantasy, but some things remain the same as they are on our world. Most races are divided up into male and female genders. A good many races also practice marriage and mating arrangements. It stands to reason that sex and romance also exist in the worlds of Dungeons and Dragons. The elements of love and passion can be used in a roleplaying game appropriately and tastefully. It is yet another issue that a DM has to consider at one time or another, even if they simply decide to disregard it. I have decided not to disregard it, but to embrace it, and to discuss it here.
I. The Silence
There are very few references to sex in any of the new mainstream D&D books. There is an out of the way reference in the Forgotten Realms setting book (cassil root and narrowroot are herbs which can be used as birth control for limited periods of time.) There is some mention of prostitution in the Book of Vile Darkness. Every now and then mating habits and gestation are discussed in regard to the many different races and creatures in D&D, but this type of discussion is minimal.
For many years, gamers were left on their own to discuss sex in D&D. Some gamers decided to include sex and romance for story plots, without getting any deeper involved. Other gamers came up with dice-rolling rules for determining if pregnancy or miscarriage took place. A few gamers went beyond even that, generating rules for determining sexual prowess and genital size. With the rise of the internet gamers posted some of their work online for others to use, filling the silence that TSR and WotC maintained in their books.
Not long ago, a private company undertook the task of publishing the first D20 book to deal with sex in D&D (for a review of the Book of Erotic Fantasy, click here). They created a book that tastefully discusses many aspects of sex in gaming, but they had their own constraints due to cost and space. They were able to cover a great deal and to bring sex in D&D into the marketplace, but there is always more to consider.
I want to address sex and relationships as serious business, even if they are between people who don't exist in a world someone made up. I want to discuss the levels of interaction that can be added to your game through even one simple love affair. I want to discuss these things as ideas inside and outside of the D&D fantasy world, affecting the characters of the story and the gamers using them. I invite you to read on and to think about the points brought up here. It has been worth it for me to add love and sex to my game - it might be worth it for you.
II. Disclaimers
I am not advocating real-life sex between gamers in the context of the game. D&D is a roleplaying game, but it should not be acted out bodily. Fights are limited to dice rolls and verbal descriptions. Sex and relationships should only be explored through verbal interactions (with tongues well away from one another).
I am not advocating a verbal form of cyber sex, wherein a group has to deal with long descriptions of sexual acts. Roleplaying sex between two characters can create an awkward atmosphere for the rest of your gaming group. In my estimation and in my experience, a "fade to black" is the best way to deal with sex. A "fade to black" is a method of dealing with sex that can be found in movies, in which a scene is brought to an end by the screen growing steadily darker until it is entirely black.
In D&D, it goes something like this: "The princess grasps you by the hand and leads you away with a smile. She pads softly down the halls into utterly dark corridors. You hear a heavy door being opened, and she guides you inside. The door closes. 'My father has left to the battlefront and his rooms are forbidden to any but him,' she says. 'They should be the perfect place for us...' So, are you willing? Yes? Very good. The evening fades, and what has been promised to another man is now yours."
It is not difficult to do a fade to black. It is not time-consuming and it will probably not make your other players uncomfortable (see more on this below).
III. Limitations
DMs must consider the ages of their players. Some players are just too young for sex to be used, so don't bother with it. Some gaming groups simply are not mature enough to handle games involving sex. The dimension of sex and romance should add something to your game, not detract from it. If your group is too disruptive when sex is brought up, move away from it.
There may also be players who are not comfortable with their characters being involved in sex and romance. You might want to ask anyone who is uncomfortable to speak to you. Most players simply want to have an equal amount of the DM's attention as everyone else. Players are people, however, and some may be uncomfortable about discussing sex in a game, for any number of reasons. It does not have to be a major issue. If a player does not want their character to have the possibility of a relationship, don't make opportunities for them. Keep the game tactful and you should have no troubles. A fade to black will be less embarrassing than a full-on description. It will also take less time away from players who aren't involved in the romance.
You may not know how to incorporate romance into your game. You will have to test and experiment with your own DMing skills and style. Some DMs will have trouble trying to portray an NPC's romantic feelings (especially if the DM and player are of the same gender). Find your own way of doing things. It may be an acting challenge, but try it out. Watch movies and couples. Note the way that lovers speak to each other and how they look at each other. Keep track of how many different ways lovers hurt one another. If the player doesn't bite, let the game move forward. They may become interested in another PC or another NPC you weren't counting on.
IV. Attraction & Courtship
How does attraction begin? With a glance, a happenstance meeting, a shake of the hand. Attraction can be a bolt out of the blue or it can be a slow rise in temperature. Attraction can be due to different things: animal magnetism, physical attractiveness, a desire for power, a sense of connection, and so on. It can happen nearly anywhere, during peace and during war. [For a lovely and eloquent example of romance in wartime, see the romance of Eowyn and Faramir in The Return of the King by Tolkien.] People often play games with each other when attraction is felt, and it heightens the sense of excitement. Some people have to hide their attraction for reasons of security and propriety. Attraction is never dull, at any rate.
Flirting can lead directly to physical activity, depending on the morals and goals of those involved. No, not all women are prudes, but they are not all loose, either. Some attractions lead straight to sex. If one is not searching for a husband or wife, sex might be the best option for an adventurer. Those who travel and face great dangers are often not interested in going without sex for years on end, or until they can get back to their home. Some will sate themselves with dalliances along the way, and perhaps find lovers who will travel with them.
Attraction sometimes enters the realm of courtship. If characters don't have much family or are away from elder control, courtship isn't as difficult. Courtship can consist of strolls, games, shopping, dinners and more. While many folks prefer a progression, some are just too eager and skip straight to sex. If a character wants to get married, however, chances are they will have to control themselves long enough to win an elder's approval. The weight of family dismay can translate into trouble for a young lover. Some places would have laws in place to order payment for an illegitimate child or the seducing of someone promised to another. The alignment of the land will dictate the severity of the cost.
Some places have elaborate courtship rituals, with many unspoken rules. People value their sons and their daughters. They value their families and reputations. The sins of the children reflect upon the parents. Some parents simply desire control. Courtship becomes complicated with these things, and reaches the height of sophistication amongst the people with the most to lose: the nobility.
In some places, it is enough for family members to be present. A gentleman may call on a woman so long as the family is around to chaperone the encounter. Young suitors may be invited to break bread with the whole family, or attend a family function. Some families will allow for only one or two members to chaperone a couple. Some families are far more strict and they make the pursuer jump through hoops to prove himself. The point of courtship is to for people to get to know each other safely. The lovers will get to know each other (without knowing each other too intimately) and the family will get to know the pursuer. It is a way to open the door to trust (or simply to satisfactory negotiations). [For a more modern example of courtship, watch the way that Michael Corleone woos his Sicilian bride-to-be in The Godfather. Courtship doesn't just happen in King Arthur stories.]
When a couple has proven themselves ready and worthy, families will often urge them to marry.
V. Socially Accepted Customs
Marriage and Divorce
Different places in the world have different mating customs. No doubt, this is the case in D&D. Marriage is an old institution which secures inheritance rights and legitimacy of blood. How the various regions and races handle marriage will differ.
Marriage and Divorce by Economic Class
The rich and powerful have always found marriage to be profitable and important. Those of noble blood and high birth would undoubtedly be expected to marry. I had a character who was of high birth and rather than marry and be the person her family demanded, she fled. She was a fighter and a rogue who sullied her virginity with men who met her standards, or just her desires. She wanted to ruin herself so that her family would not want her back if they caught up with her. Most women of her standing would not have the choice or the chance to flee.
Middle or merchant-class folks would probably support marriage as good business deals. Certain families would look to marry into others for holdings and other sorts of gain.
The poorer folk would support marriage for the small gain it would bring, as well as for the ties created between families. Extended support structures are important to the lives of struggling people.
Marriage and Divorce by City Alignment (see more on city alignments here)
Lawful good governments would be inclined to support marriage (as well as arranged marriages). A LG government would probably support divorce, as well.
Chaotic evil governments would no doubt dole out marriage rights according to their whims. Some CE cities would chain people together, while others would refuse to acknowledge marriage at all. Divorces might be very costly in a CE city.
Chaotic good governments would support marriage so long as it did not happen against a bride or groom's will. Arranged marriages would not be welcomed in a chaotic good city. Divorce would be allowed in a CG city, but it would most often be worked out between the couple. A judge would only get involved if asked.
A neutral good government would acknowledge marriage, but would want to be involved in marriages as little as possible. A NG government would want to stay out of such a private affair. A judge would only get involved in a divorce if there was no other way for the couple to agree on parting terms. Such judges would be entitled to adequate compensation, for having to take care of something a couple should be able to handle on their own.
A lawful evil government would support marriage but would impose restrictions. People might not be able to marry into another social class or race. Slaves would be unable to marry. Punishments would be in order for people who tried to marry out of line. Divorce would be obtainable but a lengthy process.
A lawful neutral government would codify marriage and would insist upon government-sanctioned unions. Disruptive unions would be officially dissolved, but divorce might otherwise be difficult to obtain.
It would be possible to be married in a neutral evil city. Marriages in such a place would very often be strategic in nature. Divorce would be granted for a price and without too much fuss. A NE government might even consider divorces to be nuisances and refuse to hear them.
Marriage might not be as common as divorce in a CN city. Alliances would break up and shift often. It might be common for folks to be married six or more times in their lives. Divorces would be freely given.
Marriage and Divorce by Race
Elves probably do not expect to have the same partner for the whole of their long lives. A few hundred years will surely lead to some nasty irreconcilable differences. With elves, divorce may not even need any sort of legal hearing.
Dwarves, on the other hand, would make it a goal to stay married for the rest of their lives. They would consider it a point of loyalty, honor, and practicality. They would use marriage to keep each other stable and healthy. I see them as being overall supporters of marriage.
I don't think that halflings would make a big deal out of marriage. It might take them a while to get around to it. I rather think of gnomes being the same way.
Humans, on the other hand, would make a big deal out of marriage. Just how big a deal would depend on the culture, the region and the alignment of the place. Humans have long found marriage an important measure of control over citizens. Some humans would insist on allowances for divorce, while others would try to limit divorce and force their fellow folk to remain faithful.
I don't know if marriage would be official with orcs or half-orcs. I am sure that orcs have fierce mate-winning battles. Half-orcs, however, are most commonly the product of rapes, not marriages. Half-orcs might be eager to find others of their own halfbreed kind to marry, so as not to feel lonely. It might be even more important to half-orcs because it is so often beyond their grasp.
VI. Adultery
Illicit affairs are the bread and butter of common stories, such as soap operas. What's almost certain is that affairs make bad situations even worse. But just think of the possibilities in D&D! The young lady lusts for a fighter of the city and they meet in secret. The fighter's enemies are watching him, and waiting for the right time to expose him to her husband, who is secretly a rogue. What would a jealous mage be able to do to someone who messed around with their husband/wife? How much worse would the rage of a woman scorned be in the hands of a monk or, gods forbid, a cleric? Suppose a group is asked to rescue a kidnapped woman. How would they feel if they found out that she went willingly because her kidnapper was her lover? How would a court bard feel if he found out that the newest child of the king really wasn't the king's? Love affairs can be fatal, but they can add a certain excitement that you might enjoy using. Even if you don't use it with player characters, you can use it as a plot device for NPCs.
VII. Pregnancy and Childbirth
You might think that kids dampen the romantic spirit, but children commonly result from unions, whether they're legitimate or not. Pregnancy is a delicate state for any woman, but even more so for adventuring women. Every time a mother sustains a serious amount of damage, she risks losing the baby. Clerics cannot heal every wound in time, and they might not be able to restore life to a being not yet born. A mother must get enough rest and proper nutrition, which can be lacking on the road. But you can't always dissuade a mother from trying to hold onto her child. Many women regard children as a blessing and want even unexpected children to be born. Ahhh, the complications of motherhood!
You don't necessarily have to roll randomly to determine if a NPC gets pregnant. It is easy enough for you to make up your mind regarding NPCs. For player characters, however, you may want to institute a random dice rolling system (probably using percentile dice). You can set a nice, low number so that it's unlikely to be rolled. You can even up the probability due to any number of circumstances (having sex in a high-magic field, ingesting a particular herb, having a spell cast). Try to be consistent, though, so that the players don't feel railroaded. It might be best to give PCs options for terminating pregnancies once they've happened, as well as other alternatives to parenthood.
A pregnant character has a long way to go before childbirth. You may want to institute a rule regarding pregnant women and increased fatigue. Even if you don't want to mess with any other rules (mood swings, morning sickness), a fatigue rule can make up for the rest. You might also want to consider enforcing good nutrition. I would suggest arriving at rules regarding miscarriage. There should be a random role to determine if a woman begins to miscarry or not. A drastic loss of hit points is one condition that might warrant a roll. At the very least, consider how spells might affect a child in the womb. Would a shocking grasp spell warrant an automatic miscarriage roll? Think about the spells used against PCs the most.
Pregnancy can be handled during downtime, provided the pregnant character is in a secure place. PCs make a lot of enemies and a woman heavy with child is a target. You can give the characters a chance to find a safe place to either leave or guard a pregnant character for the duration of her pregnancy, and probably a small time after. Decide if the stress of childbirth can be healed with spells, and if babies can be protected by spells like adults. If a child can be magically reinforced, they might be ready to travel soon after birth.
Childbirth will most likely be assisted by a midwife or cleric. Clerics can provide a lot to help a woman through the birthing process. Clerics can make sure that a child is healed if need be. Cleric-assisted births are probably successful a great deal of the time. Character who cannot afford a cleric's services will be left to a midwife who, while skilled, is not a magical healer. If a character is alone, the chance of complications will be higher. You can set percentage chances for complications for each kind of birth: cleric-assisted, midwife-assisted, and solo. It won't take long.
Consider how characters will treat a pregnant woman and a mother. The player characters may be granted favors because of the child-bearer. Negative consequences could follow an unwed mother. You can play with it as you'd like.
Consider also how you wish to handle a newborn. The player characters may opt to give the child to relatives, strangers or a church. Adventurers do not make stable parents when they are active, and they are always threatened by their reputations. Children can be stolen, ransomed, and even killed. Let your players make the choice amongst themselves whether or not to keep a newborn. Show them, if you must, the demands and perils of parenthood. Try to give them a fair chance, but keep in mind that even the children of heroes can die. I wouldn't suggest fast-forwarding time until the child is an adult unless you are very good at doing so. A time-leap can throw off the feel and workings of a game.
(For more on pregnancy in gaming, click here.)
VIII. Sexual orientation
I run a mainly heterosexual game. All of my players are playing heterosexual characters (although I'm sure the girl in my group wouldn't mind a lesbian aspect). There will be gay and bisexual NPCs, and I view some cultures as being more prone to gay activity than others. I view the Drow female hierarchy as bisexual, with a leaning toward the lesbian end of things. Drow women may sleep with males for children, for different sensations and to tease them, but I see the greatest affairs as being between Drow females. Likewise, I see some Drow males being more inclined toward males. Gods know they can't trust the women. Drow males often spend a lot of time around other males, in hunting parties and the like. Why wouldn't they take advantage of their time away from the women who rule them?
Everyone will run their game differently. Some DMs are very disturbed by all things gay (except for hot gay women - go fig), so they will run an all-heterosexual game. Other DMs will address lesbians but will ignore the possibility of gay men. Some DMs will run all-gay campaigns and they will have just as much fun. That is the point of the game, and a major point of sex - to have fun. The game (and sex) are supposed to be enjoyed. If you're entering a new group and sex comes up, you may want to tell your DM if you're violently opposed to a particular sexual orientation. Even then, the DM does not have to bow down to you. It is good if a group can reach a consensus, but the DM ultimately gets the final call.
IX. Sexual Implications for Spells
Many spells can be used for sensual and romantic purposes in D&D. Although the Book of Erotic Fantasy provides spells that are directly sexual in nature, a lot can be done with the spells found in the good old Player's Handbook. All it takes is a little imagination to see a spell in a different light, and to use it to a new effect. It must be noted, however, that spells can be used to help as well to harm, and this carries over into the arena of sex. While magic can be used to make sex even more pleasant, it can also be used to make sex truly terrible. I'm willing to wager that most games will not delve into the worst that spells can do in the sexual arena. Torture, bondage, and other such things will probably be kept in the Underdark with the vile Drow. This is probably as it should be. However, in the interest of evil campaigns and/or terrible NPC villains, I will examine some harmful applications along with the beneficial:
Changing appearance: There are several spells that aim at changing a person's appearance (such as Alter Self, Change Self, and the Polymorph spells). These spells can be used to spice up a relationship by making partners look entirely different. They can also be used to prevent forbidden lovers from being recognized together; imagine how much easier it would have been if Romeo had been able to make himself look like a Capulet family member or servant! Spells that change appearance can also be used to trick people into believing that a person is someone they are not. This can lead to a person sleeping with someone that they normally would refuse and even worse confusion if pregnancy occurs. For the most part, only evil characters can stand to use alteration spells for sexual deception. Good or neutral characters who start to use such underhanded tactics should be considered on the expressway to evil.
Charm spells: Many of the charm-like spells in D&D can be used to get people to like you, and they might even do things for you if you suggest it. Some DMs will rule that it is an evil act to use any magic to make a target fall in love or be involved in sexual activity. Other DMs might rule that spells like Charm Person aren't bad enough to make a character slide into evil. Using a spell like Geas to force a target into romance is probably going to be considered an evil act by most DMs. Likewise, using Limited Wish or Wish to make someone fall in love could also be considered an evil act. While it might seem stupid for a wizard to use a powerful spell like Wish in the name of romance or sex, we must remember that some people will go to any lengths to obtain the object of their desire. Wizards are not immune to obsession. Clerics, on the other hand, can have a harder time using something like Miracle to make someone love them. Since they have to ask their gods for such a power, their request can always be denied - and some gods might be very upset that a cleric even tried to ask for such intervention.
Enhancing sexual encounters: Spells like Bull's Strength, Cat's Grace, and Eagle's Splendor raise the natural attributes of characters, making them stronger, more sinuous, and more attractive. These spells can be used to make sexual activity all the more exciting. Likewise, Enlarge can be put to some creative uses, especially if the DM rules that it can be used on particular regions of the body (instead of enlarging the whole creature). Fly and Levitate can make encounters particularly fun and versatile.
Creating the right setting: Spells like Dancing Lights, Faerie Fire, Ghost Sound, Mirage Arcana, and Prestidigitation can make the background of a tryst all the more romantic. On the other hand, Darkness can also make a sensual encounter more interesting by the very lack of sight. Regardless, if lovers can't find an inn or are far from civilization, they can use Leomund's Secure Shelter or Mordenkainen's Magnificent Mansion to provide comfort and privacy.
Message spells: There are several different spells in the PHB that can be used to send messages. Animal Messenger, Helping Hand, Magic Mouth, and Sending are only a few of them. Not all lovers can afford to be seen in public together, and to these folks messaging spells are very important. Some lovers will only be able to afford the simplest spells like Animal Messenger, but lovers will utilize higher level spells like Sending to ensure privacy.
Divination spells: It is not unheard of for people to use divination spells for romantic purposes. The greater divination spells like Commune are rarely if ever attempted for such purposes; the gods do not like their clerics to use such spells for trivial matters. Spells like Augury, however, are good for telling someone if they should risk meeting their lover at midnight or if a marriage proposal will go well. Detect Thoughts can give a character an idea if someone thinks favorably of them or is attracted to them.
Languages: Spells like Comprehend Languages and Tongues can allow characters to converse with cute foreigners and travellers.
Images: Spells like Silent Image, Permanent Image, and Persistent Image create likenesses of characters. Some of these images are only visual, but others also replicate sounds, smells, and other effects. Nothing says that such images have to be clothed, and it is up to the spellcaster to decide what images are doing. They could be used for the erotic entertainment of others quite easily. On a slightly sinister note, the spell Clone creates a replica of a person that has no soul. While the spell says that the replica is inert, that doesn't mean it couldn't be moved, posed, or otherwise put to use.
And now, for alternative implications:
Healing and Inflicting spells: If Inflict Wounds spells are being used as a means of sexual torture, then Cure spells will probably be necessary to keep the target alive. While these spells are not normally utilized in the sexual arena, they certainly can be.
Otherworldly companions: Spells like Gate and Planar Binding bring creatures from other planes to the Material realm. Some of the creatures (like celestials and demons/devils) are generally able to copulate with humanoids. Sometimes offspring can result. (This is how the Drow create Draegloths, which are Drow/Glabrezu hybrids.) Some creatures will be happy enough to perform sexually if they are called for such a purpose; others will have to be bargained with very carefully.
Voyeurism: Many spells can be used to look in on other people, regardless of where they are or what they are doing. Arcane Eye, Prying Eyes, Clairaudience/Clairvoyance, Invisibility, and Scrying can allow spying and voyeurism to take place. Discern Location can make it so that a character can be followed no matter where they are located.
Bondage: For those characters into bondage, magic exists to make the task of binding easier. Hold spells can make a target still, and Animate Rope can bind them nicely. Evard's Black Tentacles can be used to hold a target still, and can also be used for scenes reminiscent of hentai anime. If a target is kept in a room, Arcane Lock and some forms of Binding can help keep them there.
Softening targets: Spells like Mind Fog and Feeblemind can help to soften targets up and make them easier to control. Sleep grants a few minutes before the target wakes up. Using these spells to elicit sexual activity will probably be deemed evil acts by your DM.
Other "partners": For those into bestiality: Animal Friendship, Animal Growth, Animal Shapes, Dominate Animal, and Mount all apply. Or, for those druids or rangers very much into plants, spells like Awaken, Command Plants, and Control Plants will suffice. A few people might use Animate Object to create a mindless automaton for their pleasure. Far more vile, there are a rare few necromancers that will use spells like Gentle Repose and Animate Dead for their own twisted purposes.
X. You Decide
If you can weave romance into your games in a good measure, you will probably find that your game has a more realistic tone. How often do you hear about romance and sex from friends, family, or in the news? It's all around us without being overt, so consider it for your own game. You can easily disagree with the things I've said here, but ask yourself: how do you think it all works? How do the gnomes in your world regard marriage? How often would your NPCs become interested in the player characters? Countless stories have used the elements discussed here, with great success - and I happen to think that they're onto something.
Dungeon Master's Notes Index
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