SEX & ROMANCE IN D&D

     The DM can set the tone from the beginning by balancing a bit of seriousness with fun. It's okay to laugh at sex, but the topic is too rich to leave it as a joke. For every scene in which romance is used for comic relief, try to add a scene in which romance matters. Maybe the whole group gets a good laugh when the hapless barbarian discovers his prostitute is actually a wererat, but only after he's naked and separated from his silver weapons. Maybe further down the road, the group is concerned when the paladin's girlfriend shows up with amnesia and no memory of who he is. But by mixing it up, you let the players know that they can't expect every lustful encounter to be the same.

     It is important to remember that many people come to the table expecting variety: some combat here, some roleplaying there, with hijinks and mystery thrown into the mix. And unless your group is happy with a game that is predominantly in the realm of "adult" fantasy, chances are they're not going to want sexual aspects to take over. For example: I was happy to explore the world of supernatural dangers in Laurell K. Hamilton's early Anita Blake novels, and I eagerly anticipated the menaces she might encounter next. I was disappointed, then, when her novels turned away from exploring supernatural creatures and cultures and entered the realm of romance. As the books focused more on sexual activities, the world and the plots in it fell by the wayside - and so did my interest in continuing to read further. It's not that I can't enjoy erotica, but that I wanted a lot more than erotica from Anita's world. Players might feel that there's been a bait-and-switch if the tone of the game becomes skewed, so remember to work with all colors of the palette. After all, for every NPC motivated by lust, there is an NPC driven by hatred and disgust.

     To acclimate players to a game with romantic elements, start small. Let one major NPC have a sensual motive that the party is likely to take seriously. Maybe the party is sent to kidnap a fair nobleman that an evil cleric deeply desires (or, on the flip side, they're sent to retrieve him for a hefty reward from his distraught family). Either way, the rewards and adventure will happen, but this introduces themes of sexual conquest and possession. It won't seem as strange later on, when the party comes face to face with an alchemical aphrodisiac that really works, but also disables spellcasting ability for hours after the fact. Maybe the party will be distributing it and collecting payment, while dodging the town guard and the competition. Or perhaps the party will be on the heels of the distributors, trying to trace their routes and their motives.

     Starting with NPCs is a good idea because you have more leeway with them in any given situation. Players are more likely to react negatively toward things that happen to their characters. They don't want to feel like their characters are guinea pigs (even if characters are guinea pigs, since each game is an experiment to see what works for the system and group). And if your players have NPCs that they care about and value, then you should be careful what you do them, as well. Players might start to think that you are out to exploit every relationship their characters has for bad ends, and that can cause players to treat all NPCs like cardboard stage dressing. But more distant and lesser known NPCs are perfect to start with, and then you can move closer to the PCs. It might be that when the party returns from an adventure, the rogue's sister has discovered that she's pregnant and that the father has run off.

     There are many ways to involve the player characters in attraction and courtship, which are easy places to start. Review the character sheets for the party and think about all the ways that player characters stand out. High ability scores are alluring across the board, and player characters tend to have better ratings and more outstanding stats than the average Jedrek. Charisma indicates not only physical attractiveness but force of personality; a high score will affect the way that people approach the character (or don't, out of bashfulness or jealousy of "the beautiful people"). But Charisma is just where it starts. Those active enough for high Strength and Dexterity scores are likely to draw positive attention, and a reputation for great Wisdom or Intelligence will bring admirers.

     To put it bluntly: player characters are shiny. They start with natural gifts and soon become layered with fine clothing, enchanted gear, and plenty of extra loot. Unless they're slumming it, mid to high level characters are going to stand out by the quality of everything on them. The experience, endurance, and mystery that come with being adventurers will attract attention - and not just from assassins or pickpockets. Strangers will flirt, acquaintances will ask for dates, and friends will offer marriage to family members. And from these small encounters, many things can follow: quests, gifts, break-ups, and so on. There is plenty of ground that can be covered before ever getting to an outright sexual scene.

     Sometimes people feel uncomfortable dealing with romantic exchanges, especially when the DM and the players are of the same gender. To cut down on awkwardness, it can help to adjust your running style. Using the third person when describing romantic details can create a sense of distance and literary-ness. "When the village invites the party to lunch with them, your character notices that the same girl is smiling in his direction, but trying not to look too long." Including dice rolls (and perhaps focusing on them) can help to reinforce the sense that the scene is a part of a game, with strategy and goals. "He catches up with her and tries to make friendly? Roll Diplomacy/Bluff." Limiting the time that is spent on romantic scenes can put the group at ease, as well. Keeping a clock nearby so you can wrap things up in five, ten, or fifteen minutes can make sure that the action for the whole group continues without long delays. Moving the focus to other players afterward can also ensure that they don't feel neglected.

     Some people suggest that, if players want to continue a sensual scene at length and with great detail, the DM should ask those involved to do so later on, in writing. When we were in high school, my first DM would pass folders with lined paper to his players during the day. He would start a scene, then they would write a reply and give the folder back to him so he could continue it. This back-and-forth exchange could go on all day. Since it's now 2010 (and not the mid 1990s), it would be easy to ask players to carry on in email, on a message board, or some other electronic medium. The DM could catch up with the results later, and other players could choose to read the scene if it was on an accessible forum.

     Roleplaying the graphic details of sexual encounters might not be the best choice for a few reasons. The time that it takes away from other players means that people will likely be sitting off to the side, bored and uneasy with the level of detail. The session might keep one player entertained, but unless every romantic encounter involves the whole party, you're going to want to monitor the time you spend. So unless your group is interested in a minute-by-minute description, you will want to guide scenes so that they end in a "fade-to-black." You've seen the technique in films, when lovers close in as the camera steadily goes dark. The scene ends and the audience knows that sex has occurred off-screen. The next scene is starts later on, and the story continues. The sex isn't ignored, but it isn't shown.

     In D&D, it can go something like this: The DM says: "The princess grabs you by the hand and tries to lead you away with a smile. Do you follow? Okay. She sticks to the shadows and doesn't make a sound, guiding you to the secret door you thought you noticed earlier. She uses the key while you keep an eye out (roll Spot). You don't see anyone, so the two of you step inside a strongroom. Once the door closes, she says: 'My father will be meeting with your commander all afternoon, and no one can scry on this room. It's the perfect place for us...' So, are you willing? Yes? All right then. The hours pass, and what's been promised to another man is now yours."

     It is also a good idea to let players influence their character's sexual involvements and storylines, so they can choose how far they want to go. The DM can present situations and invite a player to respond. If the player loses interest, things can move in a different direction. If they want to hold their character back or throw the character into it, they will know they chose it. The DM should pay attention when players seek out NPCs and initiate their own relationships, the way they would to other player interests. This is not to say that things will always go the way players want - conflict and randomness help to keep things fun - but it's more likely that they'll get involved in things they enjoy.

      How does attraction begin?  With a glance, a happenstance meeting, a shake of the hand.  Attraction can be a bolt out of the blue or it can be a slow rise in temperature.  Attraction can be due to different things: animal magnetism, physical attractiveness, a desire for power, a sense of connection, and so on.  It can happen nearly anywhere, during peace and during war.  (For a lovely and eloquent example of romance in wartime, see the romance of Eowyn and Faramir in The Return of the King by Tolkien.) People often play games with each other when attraction is felt, and it heightens the sense of excitement.  Some people have to hide their attraction for reasons of security and propriety.  Attraction is never dull, at any rate.

      Flirting can lead to physical activity, depending on the morals and goals of those involved.  Show a variety of responses in your game to reflect the diversity of attitudes.  Some people will flirt but nothing more, as a way of having fun or gaining influence.  Some people will withhold themselves from casual encounters because they want to do better, or they're in love with someone else.  These reasons are not confined to one gender, either, but run between them; show the men who say no and the women who say yes.  Play with the stereotypes of the real world, because they don't have to apply to D&D.

      It must be said that, by and large, player characters are appealing people.  Most player characters are adventurers who travel away from home and experience more than the average peasant can imagine.  Player characters often have better stats than average folks, as well as more visible wealth and health.  They are often determined, seasoned people with secrets and worldly concerns.  All of these things make player characters - and upper echelon NPCs - extremely attractive.  They might leave spouses and lovers behind, only to face all of the romantic temptation the road has to offer.  They could end up with lovers (and rivals) in every major city.  They could gain followers through the Leadership merit that adore after them.

      Attraction sometimes enters the realm of courtship.  If characters don't have much family or are away from elder control, courtship isn't as difficult.  Courtship can consist of strolls, games, shopping, dinners and more.  While many folks prefer a progression, some are just too eager and skip straight to sex.  If a character wants to get married, however, chances are they will have to control themselves long enough to win an elder's approval.  The weight of family dismay can translate into trouble for a young lover.  Some places would have laws in place to order payment for an illegitimate child or the seducing of someone promised to another.  The alignment of the land will dictate the severity of the cost.

      Some places have elaborate courtship rituals, with many unspoken rules.  People value their sons and their daughters.  They value their families and reputations.  The sins of children reflect upon their parents.  (Although some parents simply desire control, and the demands of selfish parents can make courtship impossible.)  Courtship becomes complicated with these things, and reaches the height of sophistication amongst the people with the most to lose: the nobility.

      In some places, it is enough for family members to be present.  A gentleman may call on a woman so long as the family is around to chaperone the encounter.  Young suitors may be invited to break bread with the whole family, or attend a family function.  Some families will allow for only one or two members to chaperone a couple.  Some families are far more strict and they make the pursuer jump through hoops to prove himself.  The point of courtship is to for people to get to know each other safely.  The lovers will get to know each other (without knowing each other too intimately) and the family will get to know the pursuer.  It is a way to open the door to trust (or simply to satisfactory negotiations).  (For a more modern example of courtship, watch the way that Michael Corleone woos his Sicilian bride-to-be in The Godfather.  Courtship doesn't just happen in King Arthur stories.)

      When a couple has proven themselves ready and worthy, families will often urge them to marry.

      Different places in the world have different mating customs; no doubt, this is the case in D&D.  Marriage is an ancient, complex institution that you can play with in any number of ways.  The Western association - or, if you will, demand - that marriage be rooted in love is a historically recent phenomenon.  For countless years, marriage served larger sociological, economical, and political ends.  Marriages cemented tribes and partnerships.  Families often dominated matchmaking to secure good relations and gain.  The merging of households, and the payment of dowry, meant that the wealthy stood to gain or lose much from a match.  Marriage also helped to continue the current political structure, as marrying into higher social station has been difficult.  Legitimate children stood to inherit not only fortunes but crowns.

      Thus, the upper classes tend to have more laws and restrictions related to marriage (and this is generally true of lawfully aligned societies).  Nobility and royalty must notice the "right" people, engage in proper courtship, and obtain if not permission then at least acceptance.  Supported marriages are public, announced, and documented.  The lesser classes can afford more freedom in marriage, with peasant stock having the fewest barriers to marrying for love alone.  By and large, lawful societies value the actual stipulations of the marriage contract highly and regulate weddings closely.  Sometimes living arrangements, the duration of the marriage, and even extramarital affairs can be arranged in writing.  (For more on city alignments, click here.)

      Chaotic societies care less about the paperwork and more about the determination to be wed.  Chaotic places are more likely to allow mates to be won through deeds, such as contests, hunts, and duels.  Acts of courage and prowess might be offered to prove a suitor is worthy.  Likewise, fine gifts might be created or gathered as a show of regard.  Parents or other powerful figures might issue challenges, many nonviolent in nature.  ("Create a chest of your finest work by next season and you may be wed.")  Marriage in such a context is often a test of adulthood, as well as dedication.  Desire is very important in chaotic societies, though not necessarily more important than tradition.

      Neutral societies prefer that weddings be handled by the couple and the couple's families.  Whether there's an elaborate wedding or a test of skill doesn't matter, so long as it's taken care of with minimal disruption.  Neutral governments refrain from getting involved in the process except to guarantee the dominant social order.  Arranged marriages are most common in lawful places, and can occur in good or evil cultures.  Evil societies are more likely to make couples jump through unnecessary and painful hoops to gain the privilege.  The wishes of individuals are regularly overridden by more powerful people and forced pairings can occur.  Such places often restrict marriage rights for particular groups, often minorities or repressed masses, like slaves.

      Many long-lived races, like the elves, do not expect to live with one person for the rest of their lives.  Marriages for such races tend to be expressions of affection or performed with the goal of breeding, but with limited duration.  Some spouses will part and come together again in cycles, without divorcing, though few marriages can be as bitter as one that has truly lasted too long.  Dwarves are an interesting exception in that they are long-lived but dedicated to acquiring lifelong mates.  They value loyalty to family first and find the most support in strong, seasoned unions. 

      Not as long lived, halflings and gnomes tend to treat marriage as a temporary blessing, like a sunny afternoon - highly enjoyable, worth celebrating, but not permanent.  They are likely to have multiple spouses, affairs, and/or serial marriages.  Humans vary widely based on culture but often expect lifelong commitments that they can't live up to.  Half-bred races like half-elves, half-orcs, genasi, aasimar, and tieflings are sometimes forbidden official marriage (particularly in the case of tieflings) or are highly sought for their heritage (like aasimar).

      Most civilizations in D&D call on the gods to bless new pairings, since many D&D settings have well known and powerful deities.  A mundane, legal wedding isn't enough when the gods are real and demand recognition.  And who wouldn't want a divine blessing?  While some gods have no interest in weddings (like more alien and removed elemental deities), others will deign to bless nuptials to keep worshippers close to the faith.  Evil deities might demand some kind of sacrifice or deed, in addition to everything else.  Many churches will only marry those of the correct faith or at least similar alignment.  Worshippers of rival deities will likely be cast out, while trickster deities might agree to marry a couple if only for the chaos that will result.  Sometimes ceremonies will be held in the churches of both spouses, if they do not worship the same god; evil people will often force a choice.

      Divorce is most difficult for the upper classes because they have the most to lose and the most to fight over.  Families and nations can go to war over the desire for divorce, but for most people, separation is still difficult.  Some marriage contracts will forbid dissolution, either before or after death.  Local laws can make divorce very difficult and expensive to obtain, and evil societies might find amusement in chaining people together.  Chaotic cultures might require even greater deeds to win a divorce, or might arrange for battle between spouses (or champions), with the winning side deciding the outcome.  Many neutral authorities don't want to get involved in such a private affair unless it is absolutely necessary.  Elven partings can be particularly bittersweet or outright bitter, complete with curses and plots for future revenge.  Divorce among dwarves is usually unheard of; they view it as a personal failure and a point of deep shame.  They look down on other races as inconstant and cowardly when they hear about common separations.

      Some churches would encourage reconciliation and provide counseling to that end, while others would grant divorces if properly compensated.  Particular deities might allow unusual rituals.  For instance, the goddess Waukeen allows for divorce by auction, with open bidding for or against ending the marriage.  Anyone is allowed to bid and all proceeds go to the church.

      Illicit affairs are the bread and butter of common stories, such as soap operas, and are expressly forbidden in many societies.  While some places enact fines for affairs, others call for harsh punishments or even death.  Chaotic places are the most likely to leave any retribution to offended spouses; otherwise, if no one is hurt, who cares?  Evil societies may or may not have laws against adultery, but it's likely they'll allow the bloodier punishments for trespassing.  And since affairs are not precisely uncommon, and adventurers have a penchant for stumbling across the secrets of others, it's likely that they'll make for interesting story fodder.  It is easy to weave adultery into the backgrounds and plots of NPCs; it makes for a ready motivation.  Player characters might have personal experience, however, when they encounter intoxicating married people along the way.  What's more, PCs might go home to find their spouses have not been waiting; loneliness and a breakdown of communication are major reasons for affairs, after all, and adventurers are gone a lot.  Magical intervention can make detection easier, but do people really want to know?  While many games never use affairs, they can make excellent story seeds.  

      Some games never deal with pregnancy at all; it happens entirely off screen and NPCs show up when they aren't with child.  Many games confine pregnancy to NPCs and creatures, which can be very effective.  One way to give NPCs depth and to give the impression that the world is moving on while the PCs are off adventuring is to show pregnant NPCs.  Allowing for pregnant monsters and foes can complicate encounters and give the players pause, as well.  Is it okay to slaughter kobolds who are carrying children?  What happens when a detection spell uncovers a fetus who registers as evil in the womb (say, the product of an evil outsider)?

      Pregnancy becomes far more complicated when player characters are involved.  Many people don't plan to become parents and not all reactions are positive.  One of the few times I've seen someone literally gray in the face was when a friend had just been told his girlfriend was pregnant, and he showed up on my doorstep looking for all the world like someone had died.  In a way, something had perished: his image of himself had been irrevocably altered.  It is easy to overlook men in the process of childbirth but their lives and their characters are affected, even if they choose to run away.  These things should be kept in mind for male characters.  How do relations with the mother develop?  Are families involved?  How do other relationships change - particularly within an adventuring party?

        Female player characters have these things to contend with and more.  One of the more interesting things that happened when one of our female PCs got pregnant was that the party started to treat her differently.  The other PCs wanted to keep her from doing the more dangerous jobs, even if that meant limiting her participation in the group - and even if she wanted to participate.  They also took new, magical measures to shield her from harm.  None of us expected that protectiveness to kick in and it wasn't always pleasant.  It can be helpful to keep in mind how people will react to a pregnant character, inside and outside the party.  A mother out of wedlock could face considerable scorn, and any mother-to-be might find that people take pains to be helpful.

      The pregnant player character in my game offered me a great opportunity to experiment, but also a great opportunity to screw up in new ways.  The group knew about the random rolls and was okay with the possibility of pregnancy.  The party regularly bought and used birth control methods, though sometimes they took risks.  I did not foresee that our pregnant character would feel utterly trapped by her circumstances.  I had expected that if she wasn't ready she would take one of the available options or find a new one, but she was unwilling to abort or give up her child.  I had hoped that if the player was unhappy she would say something directly, but she went with it.  I imagine it only got worse as time went on because she wanted to be fit for battle.  She had a cousin to rescue and bigger, worldly matters to attend; her pregnancy hindered all of that. 

      From this, I learned that while it can be okay for the character to feel trapped and alarmed by becoming a parent, it is important that the player be comfortable with the attendant changes.  It is important not only to consult with the group when you allow pregnancy in the game, but it is also a good idea to check the reaction when it occurs.  Discuss any rules changes so that the players know what to expect.  Allow the player of the pregnant character to retain control of their character's personality as much of the time as possible.  Pregnancy will hinder the stats and performance of a character, especially the further along she is, and it is okay to reflect that in the rules.  A fair DM who respects the players will try to implement rules that provide challenges without being insulting. 

      You might be asking yourself what I mean by that last statement.  I've seen some rules for mood swings and other changes that have been offensive directly to me, and would probably have the same affect on other players.  Some rules were blown out of all proportion as a way to mock women and make pregnant characters provide comic relief.  The worst rules took coherence out of pregnant characters so that they could no longer be themselves; instead they were forced into a narrow and hysterical role.  These rules also asked players to engage in roleplaying gymnastics, jumping from weepy to grumpy and so on.  It's not my intention to debate how realistic such rules are, and if a group enjoys them, so be it.

      It is my intention to support rules that make pregnancy another kind of challenging adventure that is fun for everyone in the end.  Discuss rolls for conception outside of gameplay.  The Book of Erotic Fantasy has some rules for conception, particularly across races; this is a good place to start.  Apply rolls to all PCs equally so no one feels misused.  I encourage DMs to allow accessible and affordable birth control methods so players can make an active choice in the matter.  The more choices the players have, the better.  Show the players the different options, such as magical means of transferring fetuses and adoption by churches.  I also encourage DMs to keep the rolls for conception simple and the odds at a relative low, so that it runs smoothly in the background but can become a foreground matter on occasion.

      A PC pregnancy can easily sidetrack the whole campaign into difficulty and tedium, so it has to be handled carefully throughout.  Great storylines can be sparked by pregnancy.  It can bring parties and key NPCs closer together.  It can be an interesting point for any villains - will they call a truce or push even harder to take advantage of a weakness?  Pregnant characters can adventure for the first trimester or so, but enough damage can lead to a miscarriage.  Most will pull back in the final months, and then what happens to the party?  While pregnancy can be handled in downtime, sometimes the characters are on the clock or the rest of the party wants to keep going.  The desires of the rest of the group have to be tended, as well.  A player might have to retire their character for a little while (which is what happened in our group, and worked quite well).

      One of the things you have to be careful of when introducing pregnancy into your game is that you don't step on anyone's mental land mines.  Men and women have very strong emotions about children, pretty much on all fronts.  If you don't lay out your cards carefully, you might discover too late that a player has been told they can't conceive, had to give a child up, had an abortion or lost a child.  So tell the group in advance if miscarriage and abortion are possible.  If adventuring with small children is asking for tragic results, make that clear.  Perhaps a pregnant character's husband will stay home with the children (I have a paladin NPC with just such an arrangement).  See how people react to adoption options, like leaving a child at a church or with a transdimensional being.  You might show things happening to NPCs that you won't highlight for players, like children sold into slavery to pay off debts.  Test the waters.

      It helps to know and talk with your group when it comes to issues of orientation.  I run a mainly heterosexual game and I know what my players are comfortable with.  Most of them portray heterosexual characters, although there is a little crossover, mainly into lesbianism or bisexuality.  They don't take offense at the proclivities of NPCs and they don't feel discomfited when different orientations come into play.  Not all groups will be thus and some would be very unhappy with gay or bisexual aspects in their gaming.  From what I have noticed, it is easier for DMs to introduce sexual orientation with NPCs, even if it never gets beyond that point.  It can be quite interesting to consider the habits of different creatures and races.  I have seen a number of responses to my suggestion elsewhere on this site that male Drow are often gay.  Playing with people's expectations can yield fun results, so look through the Monster Manuals and see what you can come up with.

      Many spells can be used for sensual and romantic purposes in D&D.  Although the Book of Erotic Fantasy provides spells that are directly sexual in nature, a lot can be done with the spells found in the good old Player's Handbook.  All it takes is a little imagination to see a spell in a different light, and to use it to a new effect.  It must be noted, however, that spells can be used to help as well to harm, and this carries over into the arena of sex.  While magic can be used to make sex even more pleasant, it can also be used to make sex truly terrible.  I'm willing to wager that most games will not delve into the worst that spells can do in the sexual arena.  Torture, bondage, and other such things will probably be kept in the Underdark with the vile Drow.  This is probably as it should be.  However, in the interest of evil campaigns and/or terrible NPC villains, I will examine some harmful applications along with the beneficial:

Changing appearance: There are several spells that aim at changing a person's appearance (such as Alter Self, Change Self, and the Polymorph spells).  These spells can be used to spice up a relationship by making partners look entirely different.  They can also be used to prevent forbidden lovers from being recognized together; imagine how much easier it would have been if Romeo had been able to make himself look like a Capulet family member or servant!  Spells that change appearance can also be used to trick people into believing that a person is someone they are not.  This can lead to a person sleeping with someone that they normally would refuse and even worse confusion if pregnancy occurs.  For the most part, only evil characters can stand to use alteration spells for sexual deception.  Good or neutral characters who start to use such underhanded tactics should be considered on the expressway to evil.

Charm spells: Many of the charm-like spells in D&D can be used to get people to like you, and they might even do things for you if you suggest it.  Some DMs will rule that it is an evil act to use any magic to make a target fall in love or be involved in sexual activity.  Other DMs might rule that spells like Charm Person aren't bad enough to make a character slide into evil.  Using a spell like Geas to force a target into romance is probably going to be considered an evil act by most DMs.  Likewise, using Limited Wish or Wish to make someone fall in love could also be considered an evil act.  While it might seem stupid for a wizard to use a powerful spell like Wish in the name of romance or sex, we must remember that some people will go to any lengths to obtain the object of their desire.  Wizards are not immune to obsession.  Clerics, on the other hand, can have a harder time using something like Miracle to make someone love them.  Since they have to ask their gods for such a power, their request can always be denied - and some gods might be very upset that a cleric even tried to ask for such intervention.

Enhancing sexual encounters:  Spells like Bull's Strength, Cat's Grace, and Eagle's Splendor raise the natural attributes of characters, making them stronger, more sinuous, and more attractive.  These spells can be used to make sexual activity all the more exciting.  Likewise, Enlarge can be put to some creative uses, especially if the DM rules that it can be used on particular regions of the body (instead of enlarging the whole creature).  Fly and Levitate can make encounters particularly fun and versatile.

Creating the right setting:  Spells like Dancing Lights, Faerie Fire, Ghost Sound, Mirage Arcana, and Prestidigitation can make the background of a tryst all the more romantic.  On the other hand, Darkness can also make a sensual encounter more interesting by the very lack of sight.  Regardless, if lovers can't find an inn or are far from civilization, they can use Leomund's Secure Shelter or Mordenkainen's Magnificent Mansion to provide comfort and privacy.

Message spells:  There are several different spells in the PHB that can be used to send messages.  Animal Messenger, Helping Hand, Magic Mouth, and Sending are only a few of them.  Not all lovers can afford to be seen in public together, and to these folks messaging spells are very important.  Some lovers will only be able to afford the simplest spells like Animal Messenger, but lovers will utilize higher level spells like Sending to ensure privacy.

Divination spells:  It is not unheard of for people to use divination spells for romantic purposes.  The greater divination spells like Commune are rarely if ever attempted for such purposes; the gods do not like their clerics to use such spells for trivial matters.  Spells like Augury, however, are good for telling someone if they should risk meeting their lover at midnight or if a marriage proposal will go well.  Detect Thoughts can give a character an idea if someone thinks favorably of them or is attracted to them.

Languages:  Spells like Comprehend Languages and Tongues can allow characters to converse with cute foreigners and travelers.

Images:  Spells like Silent Image, Permanent Image, and Persistent Image create likenesses of characters.  Some of these images are only visual, but others also replicate sounds, smells, and other effects.  Nothing says that such images have to be clothed, and it is up to the spellcaster to decide what images are doing.  They could be used for the erotic entertainment of others quite easily.  On a slightly sinister note, the spell Clone creates a replica of a person that has no soul.  While the spell says that the replica is inert, that doesn't mean it couldn't be moved, posed, or otherwise put to use.

      And now, for alternative implications:

Healing and Inflicting spells:  If Inflict Wounds spells are being used as a means of sexual torture, then Cure spells will probably be necessary to keep the target alive.  While these spells are not normally utilized in the sexual arena, they certainly can be.

Otherworldly companions:  Spells like Gate and Planar Binding bring creatures from other planes to the Material realm.  Some of the creatures (like celestials and demons/devils) are generally able to copulate with humanoids.  Sometimes offspring can result.  (This is how the Drow create Draegloths, which are Drow/Glabrezu hybrids.)  Some creatures will be happy enough to perform sexually if they are called for such a purpose; others will have to be bargained with very carefully.

Voyeurism: Many spells can be used to look in on other people, regardless of where they are or what they are doing.  Arcane Eye, Prying Eyes, Clairaudience/Clairvoyance, Invisibility, and Scrying can allow spying and voyeurism to take place.  Discern Location can make it so that a character can be followed no matter where they are located.

Bondage:  For those characters into bondage, magic exists to make the task of binding easier.  Hold spells can make a target still, and Animate Rope can bind them nicely.  Evard's Black Tentacles can be used to hold a target still, and can also be used for scenes reminiscent of hentai anime.  If a target is kept in a room, Arcane Lock and some forms of Binding can help keep them there.

Softening targets:  Spells like Mind Fog and Feeblemind can help to soften targets up and make them easier to control.  Sleep grants a few minutes before the target wakes up.  Using these spells to elicit sexual activity will probably be deemed evil acts by your DM.

Other "partners":  For those into bestiality: Animal Friendship, Animal Growth, Animal Shapes, Dominate Animal, and Mount all apply.  Or, for those druids or rangers very much into plants, spells like Awaken, Command Plants, and Control Plants will suffice.  A few people might use Animate Object to create a mindless automaton for their pleasure.  Far more vile, there are a rare few necromancers that will use spells like Gentle Repose and Animate Dead for their own twisted purposes.